My random scattered thoughts and revelations:
So, I know that you are going to think that I am crazy because I am excited to go back to school.
Yes, I know that I just got out on Friday. Yes, I know that this next year will be the hardest. Yes, I know that I am crazy that I like to learn. But, this is the thing - I only have one more year left. (I should have graduated this semester, but yada yada yada...I changed my major and all that jazz, so no graduating for me this year).
It has only been two days and I am already missing my dear friends who graduated. How am I going to get through the summer :/ (skype dates & phone calls will be happening soon).
While I am excited that I only have one year left of school, I am SO SO SO SO glad that it is summer. I am ready to just let my brain "veg" out for a few weeks.
This summer is going to be different. I am living in Warner Robins, GA with my dear friend Caroline Greene and her family (who are pretty precious and I love very much, by the way).
I will be doing observations in the local schools in May and August and working at some job over the summer (as of right now, my options are a local pizza shop, a daycare, or working at the Airforce base -hmmm....cute little military men....hmmmm......aha)....
I am excited about this summer, but I am anxious. I am not a fan of change or new situations that I really don't have any control over...The Lord will definitely be working on me this summer.
I am excited.
And nervous.
And excited.
And anxious.
J.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
2011 - A Year of Gratitude
Week 1
Week 1
2010 was a crazy year. It was a year of transition & a year of learning to completely trust the Lord. It was a time of learning that God is all that I will ever need. It was a time of learning to fall & learning to be caught. 2010 was a year of letting go of some dreams and ideas & embracing new ones. 2010 was the past & I am grateful for it.
Looking back over week 1 of 2011, I think the thing that I am most grateful for this week is the fact that I get to write my own story. I think for so long I believed that I would always amount to other peoples opinions of me, I didn't really ever think about the fact I get to write out my own life's story (under the direction of the Lord, of course). I get to fill the pages of my life with different experiences & relationships.
I think I would like to write in the pages of my life with green ink, the color of "esperanza" (hope), as did Pablo Neruda....
J.
Looking back over week 1 of 2011, I think the thing that I am most grateful for this week is the fact that I get to write my own story. I think for so long I believed that I would always amount to other peoples opinions of me, I didn't really ever think about the fact I get to write out my own life's story (under the direction of the Lord, of course). I get to fill the pages of my life with different experiences & relationships.
I think I would like to write in the pages of my life with green ink, the color of "esperanza" (hope), as did Pablo Neruda....
J.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Pictures
Do you ever find yourself looking at pictures and wishing you could go back to that moment or that place, if even only for a short time...
I find myself doing that all the time...
I start looking at a picture and I began to remember the room first, and the feeling of that room - the temperature of the room, the lighting, the setting, the furniture....
Then I begin to remember the sound - the laughter, the music, the clinking of forks on plates, the sound of shoes against a tiled floor....
Then I remember the smells - the smell of vinyl, of perfume and perspiration, the smell of food, the smell of musky air...
Then I remember the people - friends and enemies alike...I remember the first time that we met - the look in their eyes when I told them a secret, the first embrace that we shared...the secrets, the laughter....
There are just some pictures that capture my heart so...
Off to work on projects....
J.
I find myself doing that all the time...
I start looking at a picture and I began to remember the room first, and the feeling of that room - the temperature of the room, the lighting, the setting, the furniture....
Then I begin to remember the sound - the laughter, the music, the clinking of forks on plates, the sound of shoes against a tiled floor....
Then I remember the smells - the smell of vinyl, of perfume and perspiration, the smell of food, the smell of musky air...
Then I remember the people - friends and enemies alike...I remember the first time that we met - the look in their eyes when I told them a secret, the first embrace that we shared...the secrets, the laughter....
There are just some pictures that capture my heart so...
Off to work on projects....
J.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Ehhh....
I really have a ton of homework & reading that I should be doing, but sometimes you just have to write it out and vent a little.....maybe not even necessarily vent, just rant....
I hate having to confront people...I am no good at it & I allow myself to be walked all over, which is really my own fault...
But tonight, I had to confront someone about something that was going on & I stood up and didn't allow this person to control the situation...(thank you Lord)..
I have been a little jealous here lately of my friends and their relationships...a good percentage of my friends are either married or in a serious dating relationship, and while I am happy for them, I am jealous....I know that right now is a waiting period for me...waiting for relationships and waiting for whats going to be happening in the next couple of years (clue me in anytime you want Lord). I am just really freakin tired of waiting....although with school right now, I don't think I really have time for a relationship...
I have also been thinking recently about my life & future plans & all that jazz...I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea what I am going to do...I know that I love to teach & I know that God has gifted me in that area...I also know that He has given me a heart for missions.....I just really don't know what I am supposed to do...I have been thinking about his all day & I feel like I am at an impasse......
I am so confused...
I hate being confused & not knowing what to do...
Boo... :(
I really have been in a funky mood today & I don't like it...
I hate having to confront people...I am no good at it & I allow myself to be walked all over, which is really my own fault...
But tonight, I had to confront someone about something that was going on & I stood up and didn't allow this person to control the situation...(thank you Lord)..
I have been a little jealous here lately of my friends and their relationships...a good percentage of my friends are either married or in a serious dating relationship, and while I am happy for them, I am jealous....I know that right now is a waiting period for me...waiting for relationships and waiting for whats going to be happening in the next couple of years (clue me in anytime you want Lord). I am just really freakin tired of waiting....although with school right now, I don't think I really have time for a relationship...
I have also been thinking recently about my life & future plans & all that jazz...I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea what I am going to do...I know that I love to teach & I know that God has gifted me in that area...I also know that He has given me a heart for missions.....I just really don't know what I am supposed to do...I have been thinking about his all day & I feel like I am at an impasse......
I am so confused...
I hate being confused & not knowing what to do...
Boo... :(
I really have been in a funky mood today & I don't like it...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Words & Finds
This past weekend was Fall Break (insert chorus of angels singing "Hallelujah")!
It was a relaxing weekend, although I did not complete all of the homework I needed to get done :/
I spent the weekend with Amy (can I just say I love her :) )( I went and helped at her church and passed out fliers for an event and the Lord really broke my heart for the needs in that community).
While I was with Amy, I acquired some amazing finds!
I am now the proud owner of two miniature bird cages...(pictures to come...can't find my memory card to go in my camera)
I have this obssession with little birds & birdcages...there is something so liberating about little birds just flitting around...
I got a letter from a very good friend today...almost had me in tears...I miss that girl so much...She is a very brave & brilliant young lady whom I am blessed to call friend...
I also found a picture of myself and my dear friend Raquel randomly today in my desk drawer...I miss that little Brazilian so much...
I was told today that I have a knack for writing - I quote "have an ease and style about writing that adds humor, but yet communicates well to the reader". Really made my day to hear this... I used to love writing and used to write quite a bit, but haven't really had the time or passion to write...I think Im going to start again...who knows, maybe one day you can all read a book I write (don't look for it anytime soon...I am way to consumed with school work /work these days... I feel like all my professors get together with their little cups of coffee and place bets on who can make me pass out on the floor first from all this "redunkulous" amount of work - I can just see Dr. Frederick laying a $2o on the table and saying I got this..).
Talked with a dear friend about life & the need for accountability partners....the Lord is just so good to me...I really don't even deserve it...
Off to read about methods in teaching mathematics :|...
J.
It was a relaxing weekend, although I did not complete all of the homework I needed to get done :/
I spent the weekend with Amy (can I just say I love her :) )( I went and helped at her church and passed out fliers for an event and the Lord really broke my heart for the needs in that community).
While I was with Amy, I acquired some amazing finds!
I am now the proud owner of two miniature bird cages...(pictures to come...can't find my memory card to go in my camera)
I have this obssession with little birds & birdcages...there is something so liberating about little birds just flitting around...
I got a letter from a very good friend today...almost had me in tears...I miss that girl so much...She is a very brave & brilliant young lady whom I am blessed to call friend...
I also found a picture of myself and my dear friend Raquel randomly today in my desk drawer...I miss that little Brazilian so much...
I was told today that I have a knack for writing - I quote "have an ease and style about writing that adds humor, but yet communicates well to the reader". Really made my day to hear this... I used to love writing and used to write quite a bit, but haven't really had the time or passion to write...I think Im going to start again...who knows, maybe one day you can all read a book I write (don't look for it anytime soon...I am way to consumed with school work /work these days... I feel like all my professors get together with their little cups of coffee and place bets on who can make me pass out on the floor first from all this "redunkulous" amount of work - I can just see Dr. Frederick laying a $2o on the table and saying I got this..).
Talked with a dear friend about life & the need for accountability partners....the Lord is just so good to me...I really don't even deserve it...
Off to read about methods in teaching mathematics :|...
J.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
A Part of My Heart
RAINY DAYS....For some reason, I really dislike rainy days...
I feel my productivity level decreases significantly....
Really, on a rainy day, all I want to do is to curl up with a blanket and a good book and listen to the rain and forget about the outside world for a small moment....
But, life must go on...so, today has been filled with trudging through the rain, going to classes and going to work....although I must say that the falls looked absolutely amazing today when we walked up there during Barnabas group...
That's another thing....I love my Barnabas group...It never ceases to amaze me in how God works...My B group leaders are the bomb....There is Caroline, who is my RA and is probably one of the sweetest girls ever and there is Amanda, who I lovingly refer to as Kessler...she went to Croatia over the summer, and if you know me, then you know my heritage is part Croatian/Serbian/Czech, so I love the fact that God has placed someone in my life who has actually been to Croatia and can tell me the different things about the culture and lifestyle...
I was actually looking at pictures last night of Croatia....how can somewhere you have never been look so much like somewhere you are supposed to be....it's crazy really...I have never been to Croatia, and probably won't have the opportunity to go for a long time, but looking at those pictures made me feel like I somehow belonged there...
One day....
J.
I feel my productivity level decreases significantly....
Really, on a rainy day, all I want to do is to curl up with a blanket and a good book and listen to the rain and forget about the outside world for a small moment....
But, life must go on...so, today has been filled with trudging through the rain, going to classes and going to work....although I must say that the falls looked absolutely amazing today when we walked up there during Barnabas group...
That's another thing....I love my Barnabas group...It never ceases to amaze me in how God works...My B group leaders are the bomb....There is Caroline, who is my RA and is probably one of the sweetest girls ever and there is Amanda, who I lovingly refer to as Kessler...she went to Croatia over the summer, and if you know me, then you know my heritage is part Croatian/Serbian/Czech, so I love the fact that God has placed someone in my life who has actually been to Croatia and can tell me the different things about the culture and lifestyle...
I was actually looking at pictures last night of Croatia....how can somewhere you have never been look so much like somewhere you are supposed to be....it's crazy really...I have never been to Croatia, and probably won't have the opportunity to go for a long time, but looking at those pictures made me feel like I somehow belonged there...
One day....
J.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Turn Around Bright Eyes
"I don't know what you do, I'm always in the dark..."
I know this is a line from the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but I feel like it adequately describes my life at this moment...I don't know what God is doing in my life and I always feel like I'm in the dark...I really wish I knew...I feel so lost, with no sense of direction...
"Ever now and then I fall apart"
Yet another line that is true...Here lately I have been pretty emotional, in private, of course, because goodness forbid another people know that I have feelings or that I am struggling...
There is just so much going on in my heart...I feel like I am in a grieving stage...the loss of the closeness of relationships...the loss of some relationships period...I have hurt people that I have never wanted to hurt and I have been hurt by people who may not have even realized it...I keep looking at pictures and I just have so many memories and so much emotion stored up and by looking at these pictures, it all comes flooding back......
On a completely random tangent, I am tired of being last...I am tired of the "friendships" that I have feeling more one sided than anything...I don't want to sound selfish, but I am at a point in my life right now where I need people and I need their compassion and their time...I don't want to feel like I am asking to much....
I was reading my roommates paper last night and she said something that equates to if we serve God and love him then he will give us the desires of heart - that is naturally in his nature, to give us what our hearts desire....Lord please know that this is what I want to do...I want to serve the Lord with all of my heart and love Him...Lord I am so in need right now...In need of your holy and loving presence...
J.
I know this is a line from the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but I feel like it adequately describes my life at this moment...I don't know what God is doing in my life and I always feel like I'm in the dark...I really wish I knew...I feel so lost, with no sense of direction...
"Ever now and then I fall apart"
Yet another line that is true...Here lately I have been pretty emotional, in private, of course, because goodness forbid another people know that I have feelings or that I am struggling...
There is just so much going on in my heart...I feel like I am in a grieving stage...the loss of the closeness of relationships...the loss of some relationships period...I have hurt people that I have never wanted to hurt and I have been hurt by people who may not have even realized it...I keep looking at pictures and I just have so many memories and so much emotion stored up and by looking at these pictures, it all comes flooding back......
On a completely random tangent, I am tired of being last...I am tired of the "friendships" that I have feeling more one sided than anything...I don't want to sound selfish, but I am at a point in my life right now where I need people and I need their compassion and their time...I don't want to feel like I am asking to much....
I was reading my roommates paper last night and she said something that equates to if we serve God and love him then he will give us the desires of heart - that is naturally in his nature, to give us what our hearts desire....Lord please know that this is what I want to do...I want to serve the Lord with all of my heart and love Him...Lord I am so in need right now...In need of your holy and loving presence...
J.
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