"I don't know what you do, I'm always in the dark..."
I know this is a line from the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but I feel like it adequately describes my life at this moment...I don't know what God is doing in my life and I always feel like I'm in the dark...I really wish I knew...I feel so lost, with no sense of direction...
"Ever now and then I fall apart"
Yet another line that is true...Here lately I have been pretty emotional, in private, of course, because goodness forbid another people know that I have feelings or that I am struggling...
There is just so much going on in my heart...I feel like I am in a grieving stage...the loss of the closeness of relationships...the loss of some relationships period...I have hurt people that I have never wanted to hurt and I have been hurt by people who may not have even realized it...I keep looking at pictures and I just have so many memories and so much emotion stored up and by looking at these pictures, it all comes flooding back......
On a completely random tangent, I am tired of being last...I am tired of the "friendships" that I have feeling more one sided than anything...I don't want to sound selfish, but I am at a point in my life right now where I need people and I need their compassion and their time...I don't want to feel like I am asking to much....
I was reading my roommates paper last night and she said something that equates to if we serve God and love him then he will give us the desires of heart - that is naturally in his nature, to give us what our hearts desire....Lord please know that this is what I want to do...I want to serve the Lord with all of my heart and love Him...Lord I am so in need right now...In need of your holy and loving presence...
J.
You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIn feeling these things, in being "at that point"...
I love you, J.