A Part of My Heart

RAINY DAYS....

For some reason, I really dislike rainy days...
I feel my productivity level decreases significantly....
Really, on a rainy day, all I want to do is to curl up with a blanket and a good book and listen to the rain and forget about the outside world for a small moment....
But, life must go on...so, today has been filled with trudging through the rain, going to classes and going to work....although I must say that the falls looked absolutely amazing today when we walked up there during Barnabas group...
That's another thing....I love my Barnabas group...It never ceases to amaze me in how God works...My B group leaders are the bomb....There is Caroline, who is my RA and is probably one of the sweetest girls ever and there is Amanda, who I lovingly refer to as Kessler...she went to Croatia over the summer, and if you know me, then you know my heritage is part Croatian/Serbian/Czech, so I love the fact that God has placed someone in my life who has actually been to Croatia and can tell me the different things about the culture and lifestyle...

I was actually looking at pictures last night of Croatia....how can somewhere you have never been look so much like somewhere you are supposed to be....it's crazy really...I have never been to Croatia, and probably won't have the opportunity to go for a long time, but looking at those pictures made me feel like I somehow belonged there...

One day....

J.

Turn Around Bright Eyes

"I don't know what you do, I'm always in the dark..."

I know this is a line from the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but I feel like it adequately describes my life at this moment...I don't know what God is doing in my life and I always feel like I'm in the dark...I really wish I knew...I feel so lost, with no sense of direction...

"Ever now and then I fall apart"
Yet another line that is true...Here lately I have been pretty emotional, in private, of course, because goodness forbid another people know that I have feelings or that I am struggling...

There is just so much going on in my heart...I feel like I am in a grieving stage...the loss of the closeness of relationships...the loss of some relationships period...I have hurt people that I have never wanted to hurt and I have been hurt by people who may not have even realized it...I keep looking at pictures and I just have so many memories and so much emotion stored up and by looking at these pictures, it all comes flooding back......
On a completely random tangent, I am tired of being last...I am tired of the "friendships" that I have feeling more one sided than anything...I don't want to sound selfish, but I am at a point in my life right now where I need people and I need their compassion and their time...I don't want to feel like I am asking to much....

I was reading my roommates paper last night and she said something that equates to if we serve God and love him then he will give us the desires of heart - that is naturally in his nature, to give us what our hearts desire....Lord please know that this is what I want to do...I want to serve the Lord with all of my heart and love Him...Lord I am so in need right now...In need of your holy and loving presence...

J.